"Are you happy?"
December 21, 2008
I was at UCC in Paseo Center two Friday nights ago with one of our associate editors, Kara. She's also one of my closest friends in the office. And she kinda knew all of my crushes in the office. And besides, there were only three of them, anyway. It was close to becoming 4 because of that Edward guy. I mean, it's not about his entirety but just his name. You know...Edward...Edward Cullen. Haha! I could be nuts sometimes. I always revert Edward Cullen to almost every guy that I know whose name's also Edward. But, thank goodness I can still keep my hold on those situations. I'm more mature now. I'm not a kid anymore. LOLZ! Whatevz!
Anyhow, so we were at UCC. She ordered some pasta for dinner while I was just there sitting as pretty as ever on one of the seats outside the coffee shop. She came back after a while and told me that we just needed to wait for a short a while for the pasta.
And so, there...with all solemnity and stuff of that night, she asked me a question that could've been a killer in a Ms. Gay Universe Q&A. LOLZ! Ok, so, she just asked me if I was happy.
In an instant, I already kinda knew what she meant. She wasn't asking me if I was happy at work. She's not asking me if I was happy at home. She was asking me if I was happy with...the current situation that I was in. Or with the situation that I was always in. You know what I mean. Liking someone despite the fact that it'll just forever remain a crush nonetheless.
It wasn't much of a surprise question for me. I've been asked this same old question lotsa times already. But the difference now is that...it was only during that night that I actually answered that question. Not wholeheartedly, though. I just looked away and told her that, "No, I'm not happy. But, of course, I just hafta deal with it." Like a real gay, that is. LOLZ! But, yeah. It's not really that good. I'm not happy for so obvious reasons.
Imagine, liking someone, well, in my case, particularly it's a guy, and actually not hoping for anything in return because from the very beginning you already knew that everything was completely doomed. I dunno how else to explain it. But it's more like hoping for nothing at all, actually. That's why sometimes it'll actually be more OK for me not to like someone. I just kinda don't wanna hurt myself in the process.
And there's this follow-up question: do you or have you ever had a boyfriend?
And I was like...DUH! I mean, c'mon, look at me, do I look like someone who has a boyfriend? For crying out loud...
How I wish...
I kinda don't have plans of having one right now. Despite the fact that there's only this hairline of a chance of me having a boyfriend, anyway. I just...don't want to. Ok, I want one but I don't need one. Did you get me? It's kinda hard to explain. For the past 16 years (I was 5 when I discovered that I was gay), I've always thought of myself as a girl. I was a princess at home. I always got what I wanted. I was flamboyant. I had no problems expressing myself to anyone. My parents knew about my orientation from the very beginning. I grew up with a bunch of aunts, my Mama, and one driver, so I guess that kinda set-up contributed to my "biological" make-up, should there actually be such a case, anyway.
You know, I'm tired already.
When I was still young, I would dream of those Prince Charmings that I always saw in cartoon shows, from Cinderella to Snow White to Remi to...an endless list. As I was growing up, I realized that such stuffs weren't real. They could be real for "real" girls but not for "real" gays. I'm straight. A straight gay. Haha! So, everything was just so N.A.-ish for me.
I've met a lot of guys already. I've had crushes to some of them. Or maybe to all of them. I fell in love with some of them. I cried because of some of them. I was devastated to my lowest because of some of them. I just don't wanna go back to that same old cycle anymore. I need a break. It's too tiring. It's too...painful. And I'm somewhat in tears right now while writing this. Haha! Silly me. But, yeah, it's really painful. You may not understand the pain, the hurt, the agony I have inside. Only a person like me can.
I kinda have a lot more to say about that night but I guess I better be careful, so, I'm just trying to contain everything within this post.
Though, I won't be that much of a hypocrite. Of course, I still am hoping that someday someone will come and prove me wrong all this time. But, I'm not hoping that much high. These may just all be false hopes for all I know.
It's really weird. Being gay is a little weird for me sometimes. But I love it. I've been hurt so many times already. It's really been so many that I can't even remember the concrete details of each one. But, despite those, I'm still here. Smiling. My eyes closed and my head tilted to my left. LOLZ! As if nothing really happened. As if I'm not actually burdened by something. As if...everything was normal.
It had always been my nature to smile. It's really fake. So, when you see me smiling at you, ask me first if it's real. There's a 90% chance that it may not. Smiling sometimes hide what's really inside a person. It's a little hard to read a person who's smiling. Because, automatically, you'll just think that that person's happy. End of the question. But you may never know what's actually hiding behind that small curve or line on that person's face. You'll never know the real story behind that smile.
So, if you'll ask me again, am I happy?